When I'm just irrationally frustrated theres a whole list of things i do:
Good for my soul/ Productive List:
1. Go get a Diet Coke (drive.. which is happy)
2. Listen to music
3. Read the sciptures- work on my insights for Institute
4. Put on shorts and a tank top and pretend I'm home
5. Drink some herbal tea
6. Work out
7. Face time my mom
8. Call someone who loves me
9. Pray about it
10. Blog.. like this (I'm a little frustrated)
11. Make Amber do relaxation yoga with me
Not so great/ a little pathetic list:
1. Eat.. alot.. cookie butter.. cookies.. brownies.. pickle chips..
2. Face time my mom and just complain the whole time
3. Be mad at my boyfriend for no reason
4. Be unproductive and depressed
5. Not work out..
6. Crawl back into my bed and pretend life is not happening
7. Not pray about it.. just kinda pretend to think about praying about it
Part of my excuse for not writing anything for the last month is that I am very very done. I would like to fast forward to the end of this semester and end of Biology 230 and statistics and my night shift job andd in being just a little confused. Which is pretty dumb because life is pretty beautiful and i have a lot to be really happy about. I tend to not write things down when i'm not very sure about them, which is also dumb because writing creates clarity that just thinking about in circles really can't.
CIRCLES:
Lately one of my issues in my head is I've been feeling like I need a clear direct answer to if i'm doing what i'm supposed to in my life and it's just not coming.
Last night (and a bunch of other nights) I realized some cool things! while on the phone with Ms. Carly Campbell who always seems to pull out the self- reflection out of me:
1. I need to get over myself in some respects and stop worrying and have confidence in my standing before God as his daughter, whose really doing some pretty good things and trying
-Theres a time to learn to humble myself (and its an ongoing process I'm much in need of) but the other end is a need to then obey the savior's command to "stand" and work in the confidence of knowing WHOSE you are
2. I am absolutely worthy of my God's counsel and am cheating myself out of it when i don't remember that in every aspect of my life
Today at devotional Sister Willis reminded everyone of some really cool things about why sometimes my Heavenly Father (who i know loves me) doesn't answer me:
1. He's not going to speak if I'm not really ready to hear AND understand his answers.. or he is speaking and i just have a super thick head (both plausible)
2. His silence is sometimes indicating his confidence in our own choices and judgement. He is sometimes creating an opportunity for us to learn to lean on our own intuition
(like the brother of Jared- he asks us to figure it out sometimes and then look to him for his grace to make up the difference)
* because (according to just me) part of being on earth is learning to be self-reliant so we're more serviceable in heaven- if we're going to be stewards over our own worlds with our own spirit children we better have confidence in ourselves and in our own decision making.. he is preparing me NOW in this little respect for later
The other things I've been meaning to write but haven't (because I've been resorting to my pathetic list of things to do when I'm frustrated):
I did a statistics project on how i felt emotionally every day after writing down (or not writing down) a list of things i was grateful for/ ways i saw gods hand, throughout the day! I was pretty terrible at actually doing it correctly, and never wrote down an accurate rating for my emotions but the days i did write down my list are really cool to look back on:
Some of the Tender Mercies I noticed for the seven weeks i did this-
-I prayed for a friends clarity and he got it almost immediately
-Bitsy made me tea
-I read Hel chapter 5 in the Book of Mormon and had the coolest "being beared up" feeling when I really needed it
-A friend went and got my favorite book and read it to me in a bunch of different accents and it was hilarious
-Had a sec just with me today and remembered why we need quiet moments
-Sabrina told us her story growing up
-I was facetiming with my family and got to have Family Prayer
-My Co-workers stopped working for a sec today and just talked about nothing and it made my day
-My friend Des from my Social Work class helped me get a tutor for statistics
-Savannah got engaged and told me and Amber all about it
-Had apartment prayer today and it made my day/ life
-My roommates all made dinner together today and heart attacked another apartment
-The temple was soo peaceful today
-The adorable little temple worker who says "where are you from?... They sure do make 'em pretty there!"
-It was raining and someone stopped and gave us a ride home from the grocery store
-Chris stopped me on my way to work when i felt super ugly to tell me that when he'd seen me walking he'd thought "I'm glad I walked this way, look at that pretty girl walking towards me!" And then realized it was me
-I donated plasma and it went really fast today!
-Had frozen Yogurt with my roomie Angie and she talked about understanding why others looked at her disability - so cool
-Went and got a soda with my mom today
-Realization that rehabillitation is part of God's plan it is human and merciful
-I had Family Prayer with my family today
-My 12 year old Josh is comfy and so big now and i got to sleep on him all the way home from
Zions
-Got lost and laughed to death on the way home from Salt Lake
-Went on a date with Chaston and we sat in the car and talked for hours
-I lost my phone and someone noticed and told my professor who emailed me to let me know
-Cassy had cookie butter and let me eat it
-He texted me to say "Hey Em, just thinking about you :) " :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
-Cars called and reminded me that things are worth it only when your growing from them- best conversation ever
-I had a diet coke today
-Something super embarrassing happened and i had a feminine emergency and did NOT bleed through
-I finished my Study Guide in my Enviro Class just before the due date
-Quinny texted me to tell me she loves me right when i needed it
-Amber made me laugh so hard today at the gym
-Got a letter from Jack in the MTC today.. all spelled wrong and perfectly! He loves it.
-Chas's little cousin Marlee likes me
-Chas came upstairs to say goodnight to me
-Realized I need to vocalize my gratitude more often
^Heavenly Father is in the details of my life ^ and i forget way to often
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