LOVED

Prepare yourself. I'm going to barf all my very colorful feelings into this post.

I am in love! Something else clicked, if that is even possible. I thought I was in love before, but my in love has taken on a whole new meaning I can't quite fathom. I feel so good. I feel excited to see him constantly, but also have complete confidence that he loves me. I talk about him and tear up, and when I pray for and about him the only worlds that come to my head are "my future husband". I feel almost like I've somehow cheated the system and he's already mine, and then I realize he's not at all and there is so much more awesome one-ness to come. We talk about getting married, and it just feels so solid and real and at the same time like some kind of fairy tale I'm not altogether sure can be reality. When he asked my dad, the excitement I had always imagined was different. I wasn't screaming or jumping up and down, I just felt so incredibly happy. I can't imagine anything else. Chas told me my dad had told him that "she's not grown up yet, so you have to take care of her", and I feel total comfort that he will. And I can't imagine being more happy to take care of anyone else in the entire world. When my grandpa puts his arms around both of us and says "take care of each other", I see him saying that same line forever. I read my patriarchal blessing and where it talks about that "good man", I feel assured that he is exactly that. I know he is someone that will fight along with me for our family, and for us. My blessing uses the word "tenderly" in describing how he will care for me and our children, and he becomes more of that man, more every day. He is silly, and real, and smart, and positive, and strong, and expressive, and he knows what he wants. And I know he is exactly what I want. I can't imagine anything more fun than going to the gym with him every day and then coming home and making dinner. I have never felt more loved in my whole life. When I see him, he immediately lights up and hugs me like he's been waiting to see me all day, and I secretly hope he has. He just exudes that he loves me in a way I couldn't imagine anyone ever doing. Not because I feel unlovable, but because I'm pretty sure no one in the entire word lights up the way he does when he is happy.  The other day he told me he likes to think about me being his "companion in everything" and that title has stuck in my head ever since. I want him to be my companion in EVERYTHING! I have chosen to be with him every single step of the way, and Heavenly Father has helped me do that in ways I would never have seen coming. I have a little sticky note written in my notebook that says "how much you want him is an answer in itself 9/30", and every time I'm with him I feel like I find something else that makes him feel more mine. I know being with someone forever will not be easy, because life is not easy, but there is no one else in the world I want to do life sitting next to.

               
                                         

LOYALTY

 "The folks have been here today, but have gone to their homes. The clatter of racing feet, the laughter and babble of tongues have ceased. We are alone, We two. We two whom destiny has made one. Long ago, it has been sixty years since we met under the June trees. I kissed you first. How shy and afraid was your girlhood. Not any woman on earth or in heaven could be to me what you are. I would rather you were here, woman, with your gray hair, than any fresh blossom of youth. Where you are is home. Where you are not is homesickness. As I look at you I realize that there is something greater than love, although love is the greatest thing in earth. It is loyalty. For were I driven away in shame you would follow. If I were burning in fever your cool hand would soothe me. With your hand in mine may I pass and take my place among the saved of Heaven. Being eight years the eldest—and as the years went by and I felt that the time of parting might be near—it was often the drift of our thought and speech: how could either of us be left alone. Alone, after living together for 56 years. I scarcely dared think of it and though a bit selfish comforted myself thinking [that] according to our age I would not be the one left alone."-John Clark 1921

Reading this poem gives me the happiest chills! There are a million poems that profess love in the world, lots of them flattering and adoring, but this one absolutely, hands down, wins. Today after my Family Foundations class I just kind of sat there after class for a second, with my head overflowing with why I never know if I'm doing life the way It's supposed to be done. My religion teacher followed me out to ask me "why don't i believe you?" in response to my, "no, i'm totally good!" He said "walk, and talk?", and I'm eternally grateful he did. I didn't climb into my snowy car knowing what to do, but I felt like my purpose was just a little more solid. Growing where I'm currently planted, and then moving if I'm going the wrong direction. Then it's "Faith more than Fear", and walking into the dark.

"He may remind us that the crowning characteristic of love is always loyalty" -Elder Holland (This concept isn't just for romantic love- it's for the best love)

Wake up "Suprised you have eyes to open" :)

We watched a video in humanities today that was one of those, blow your mind perspective changers. Today isn’t just a day.. it’ the only day YOU were given today. The man in the video tells us in this cool Irish sounding? Accent that we should wake up “surprised we have eyes to open”, there is so much in this world every day and I get into habit of just ignoring it. He describes our short sighted-ness with weather. We think it terms of good weather or bad. When in actuality every single day is different and we may never experience it again. He talks about people and how there are stories behind every single face we see. I read a quote the other day that said “If only we saw souls instead of bodies.. how very different our idea of beauty would be”.. and then C.S Lewis’s quote saying in summary that if we saw the least of the people around us as God sees them we would be sorely tempted to kneel does and worship them. WOAH. I love that. If I truly allowed myself to just enjoy the incredible human-ness of the emotions I get to feel and the feelings I have how much happier would my life be? My life is chalk full of blessings that so many millions and millions of people will never be able to experience for themselves and yet for whatever reasons I get to. If I was excited by everything I experience in a day how much more rich would be my experience in life

               

 At the beginning of every semester I’m reminded that learning is so cool. And that I have a real desire to gain my own opinions and experience and really decide why I believe those things I’ve come to believe and what I should believe about those things I haven’t even considered. It makes me want to read every article differently and write my responses in a way that affects me (granted.. I skimmed the last two to be done so I could write.. but still) I think I’m really going to love this class, the first assignment she gave us was to read an article called Diligent Learning, Prophet Joseph Smith taught, “All things whatsoever God in his infinite wisdom has seen fit and proper to reveal to us...are revealed to our spirits precisely as though we had no bodies at all; and those revelations which will save our spirits will save our bodies.” How cool is that idea? We are teaching our spirits.. my spirit it what is progressing as things are impressed upon me. How big is my soul? How big can I grow it?

In humanities my professor told us about some research she’d looked into concerning hospitals requiring their doctors to be part of book clubs. Reading about real humanity; loss, death, pain suddenly improved their bed side manner. It encouraged empathy. I think that is so cool for some reason. I love the idea that the sorrows of this life make us tender-er, kinder people. Understanding and really feeling of others is never wrong. In the same way that loving sincerely is never wrong. I think both of these things completely shape us. They make us kinder people.

Then I walk into Brother Dietz’s 200 level English class and he says “you are the noble and great ones” and continues to express to us the dire situation at hand. “you are the elite, the generals in God’s army. Those who were kicked out of heaven know this, and they want to destroy you.. you cannot let them. You are those chosen to save the rest of his children.” And my eyes fill up with tears (subtly of course) and I just feel like “YESSS! I am soo back.” I love this God Inspired man and his class! So flipping great. I want to try to suck every bit out of life. I get to learn, so I better take advantage of that and form myself as best I can. This gospel is real and this life is more of a battle than we are even aware of. "The sniper is pornography!" he says and the family is being attacked. He quotes the bible; " That which I have called clean, don't call unclean" and replaces and reforms the sentence to "That which I have called Noble and Great, don't you dare call weak or unworthy or stupid or ugly". He finishes his class and starts it by telling us he loves us and that Heavenly Father loves us. Oh and I promise he still teaches english.. that's just the first ten minutes (my fav ten minutes). 

I don't want to sink back into habitual zombie walking through m daily life.. I need to stop and talk to people, love them, be excited by them and show them that I am. I don't have time to just worry I need more trust. Trust and patience and excitement with what I'm given in the mean time. I need to wake up singing "Beautiful Morning" in my head and be excited for the day I'm given. My life is wonderful. It's full and blessed beyond all reason. It's full of McKenna Borlas who feel like a little piece of home and know how to listen and then hug me because that's exactly what I need! It is exciting and I get the privilege to feel things and feel them deeply! It is so so cool!! 

Good Men

 I wish in this world we did a better job of loving boys and men. Why is it that in every movie and TV show the dad is the dumb, clueless one and the mom is super woman who keeps it all together. YES! Our moms our super women and that is how they serve and show their love and care for us. BUT the men in my life are not dumb or clueless or insensitive or boorish, which is how our world makes them out to be far too often. They are good, they are obedient and men of Christ who are part of his “Royal Army”, who are smart, hard- working, TENDER, loving and thoughtful.  I was looking for a really cool quote to put on my 12 year old sister and my 13 year old brothers walls that would just express how awesome they are. Remind them that they have so much as a growing young woman and young man to be proud of. I found one of my favorite conference talks ever, by Elder Holland, and an awesome quote that I absolutely loved for my little sister:

“First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. ¹ That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations… in the restored light of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a woman, including a young woman, occupies a majesty all her own in the divine design of the Creator. You are, as Elder James E. Talmage once phrased it, “a sanctified investiture which none shall dare profane.”

I LOVE how he talks of womanhood. It is just another testament to me that this man and every other man that speaks so beautifully of women is thinking directly of his wife and daughter and mother and sister and loving who they are and knowing what they need and how they need to be talked to. It took me so so long to find a quote that described manhood in such a beautiful light. There are a lot of reasons why I think this is; first, men don’t want to think about themselves as sensitive or in need of praise and love the same way women are often willing to accept that they are. Secondly, men and women are wired completely differently and as far as how we talk to men and women there is a slight difference. I have seen that when a woman knows her worth and her value she in turn lifts her whole family and everyone she touches. I think this is true of everybody, men included, but not as easily remembered with men. If I was speaking to Josh I would say “I want you to be proud you are a man. Look at your father, look at your brother and your grandfather. They are the strongest of people and they are men that are tender. They are the most devoted people and the most loving and service oriented people in the world. You are needed, you have an innate divine heritage as a man. You are innately strong, and devoted, and obedient and a protector.”

                Me and my mom were having a conversation about then men we know really well. My mom said as atypical as it sounds; “the men I know really well in my life are better at showing their love than the women I know in my life”. Yes women are innately nurturers and lovers and care-ers; but there is something in men especially in men who have learned how to love (And I definitely mean learned- as people when we love somebody else enough that they become ours we are changed and a part of us is developed- and this is when I have seen men this way- when they are serving the people that have become theirs) that is innately caring, service oriented, and expressive in their love. I think of my Dickson Grandparents. Yes! Grandma loves us so much and hugs us and worries about us, but EXPRESSIVELY, our grandpa is the one who stands at the door and holds us by the shoulders and says “let me just get a good look at you” with all the love in the world in his eyes. And he is who still calls to see how my very adult mother is when he knows she’s on a road trip. Or tries to wake up my boyfriend to meet him and instead just says “You take care of our Em!” before leaving town.

This is not to say that women are not every bit as loving and devoted in a whole different way; this week I watched my mom walk outside and stand in our drive way to wait for my dad because she thought he should have been home from work by then. I listened to my Grandma Delores call my mom three times this week to ask how I’m doing because she was worried about me, and watched my cute grandma Janice be every bit a mother when her 45 year old son called to ask if the gorge was open in St. George and instead of saying she didn’t know, called the high- way patrol to find out and then got back to him. But I am talking about men today! My dad is who picks us up and carries us to bed, and made my lunch all through middle school and even high school, and texts his kids every morning to say “goodmorning sunshine! :)”, and takes our cars to fill up all our tanks, and brings my mom a soda and breakfast at her work, and is always willing to go with us or help us or go for us. My 13 year old Josh is who gives me the best hugs, and tells me I’m pretty and he loves me and writes “you are my happy” on my chalk board for me to find when I get home from break. He writes the sweetest most heartfelt letters to his mom and dad when he wants to say thank you. Jackson is so sweet to my mom. He just loves the crap out of her all the time. I was thinking about Chaston; expressively he is much better and being loving than I am. He is who sends me cute texts and tells me why he loves me. He is who came running down angels landing to sit by me after I had sat out a hike to see if I was Okay, and then who insistently took of my sweaty gross shoes to rub my feet on our way home. Basically what I’ve decided is that men and women express their love very differently and we don’t give enough credit to men as a whole for being Loving and tender, and thoughtful and devoted. Maybe it’s that “tender” just isn’t something we have stereotypically allowed our men to be- but good men really are.

PS. Love Songs. Every love song you hear is from a man who absolutely adores a woman. There needs to be more from women who absolutely adore their man

I am a sappy 18 year old girl

There is an irony in life that never quite gets past me. I frequently think things like “life is so weird”. And it is. This part of life for me, being 18, is so very temporary.. I don’t like that. Elder Uchtdorf says that the reason we resist the endings in this life is “Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings…” At this point is sucks that we have to date and form awesome relationships where we get to love awesome people and then watch them end, but that is part of growing up I guess, so it’s OK. One thing about some endings is that I am incredibly consoled by the truth that I am at least a little better and think bigger than I would have had you not met that person. Chas came and visited me two weeks ago and it was really one of the best weeks ever, I loved it. We had so much fun! My family adores him and I had missed the crap out of him. And he is even more solidly my best friend if that’s possible.. but he is now, no longer my boyfriend. Which in some ways really sucks, because I absolutely love him and he is so great. I was praying about him and me and felt strongly that we weren’t supposed to be together forever and realized that meant I probably shouldn’t be with him now. That kind of sounds crazy, but it is a cool kind of Godly inspired crazy, that I am really grateful for. I’ve joked since forever that “you don’t really know a guy unless you break up with him” (I’m always kind of  kidding.. swear.. sorry.) and have found that Chas is every bit as awesome as I’ve always thought he was, and possibly more so after listening to him be sad with me and then trust me and look for his own answers and be totally OK, because that’s just how he is.

I feel like I’ve chanted this in every prayer I’ve said and thought since then, but I KNOW that my God is also my Heavenly Father who loves me (and Chaston too) and he has a plan for me that I can’t even pretend to see. I believe in Modern Revelation from God and that he not only cares about my little girl problems and my life (which means a whole lot to me and my eternal existence, even if it is so small in the grand scheme of eternity) but he also answers prayers and gives guidance about the very DETAILS of my life. And he does the same for any person that trusts him and is willing to ask. I was reading this cute blog about a lady as she met her future husband and as she told a lady she worked with about the circumstances concerning her meeting her soon to be husband the lady said "it's a God thing." And I have come to find that it is so very very often "A God thing" because God has a specific plan for each of his children and he knows how to do his work! How very awesomely happy is that. 

This also hasn’t been the loveliest week of my life because not only did I cough through Chas’s entire visit… (he was way too nice about it) but the day I took him to the airport I also went to the Doc to confirm I had Pneumonia. But! The Doc also gave my four wonderful prescriptions and a very cute inhaler and I now find myself much better. Ohh and I’ve found that pneumonia is a way easier weight loss method than running. So as I sit here.. eating no bake cookies, blogging and coughing a lot, I’ve been thinking a lot about love (that’s what sappy 18 year olds who break up with their boyfriends are supposed to do, right?). 

I want to be with someone that is completely sure about me (everyone does). That is when relationships become permanent. Permanence is derived, in large part, from a surety that you receive and then hang onto with both your hands and your whole heart and the rest of you. Which I’m sure takes a lot of love and questioning and serving to come to. And awesomely enough God will point you in the right direction and always tell you if you’re on the right track when you ask which takes out some of that doubting. Part of that surety though has to come from a person who has already decided what commitment means to them. I had a friend who really felt like you didn’t love someone until you were absolutely sure about them. That is an awesome definition of love, and the kind marriages and commitments that last are made of. With that kind of love, once you realize you have it, you have to realize that that YES kind of answer means that you will love every part of them and look past the bad that every person has to have at least part of. In Moroni8:26 it says that even the "perfect love" that the Holy Ghost fills us with "endureth by dilligence (unto prayer)" - it only makes sense that the love we have for our EC's required just as much dilligence as described here if we want it to be anywhere close to perfect. I liked this quote “Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart… seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.” I think the good in people almost always trumps all the bad. Our hearts aren’t filthy as far as Grace is concerned, and the darkness in us is not permanent but it is what we work to overcome and diminish with the light we grow. BUT when you know someone you get the privilege of seeing their good and their short comings and once you reach THAT love.. the sure kind… it can only be forever if you first understand this CHOICE to work and serve and love and never jump ship. I am lucky enough to have watched my parents forever, and they just work. They fit together and maybe they have since they met when they were 15 because they’ve been together basically ever since. I was talking to them and they feel like they never had to think about this commitment the way I’ve really poured over it. My mom said she never doubted that who she would marry would be ALL in and she always knew she would be and never had to worry about it. I can’t wait till I meet whoever is just as sure that they are ALL IN as I am. It probably won’t for a while but I KNOW that eventually it will happen and I am perfectly content with that.